


Even Though The Whole World Is Burning

by taggiecb



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Coming Out, Friends to Lovers, Light Angst, Long-Distance Relationship, Love Letters, M/M, Niall Horan mentioned - Freeform, No Smut, if theres actually a tag for that let me know, little bit of self realisation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-09
Updated: 2016-08-09
Packaged: 2018-08-07 18:57:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7725979
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/taggiecb/pseuds/taggiecb
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Best friends Liam, and Zayn have not been separated since they were young children thanks to being neighbors, best friends, and life long partners in crime. That is until Zayn gets a scholarship to study in New York. Zayn thinks it's a good chance to get over his best friends who he's been pining over since puberty, and Liam doesn't realise it yet, but his world is about to be tuned upside down.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Even Though The Whole World Is Burning

**Author's Note:**

  * For [merrythoughts](https://archiveofourown.org/users/merrythoughts/gifts).



> So, thank you for letting me try this out. It's my first Ziam fic. I am not entirely in the zone on Ziam, but I really tried to get their personalities through. I also want to apologise because I messed up the prompt due to poor reading skills, and made it about ten times more angsty than purely necessary. Anyway, I hope it's OK anyway. Happy reading.

“It's going to be weird around here without you.” Liam stands awkwardly behind Zayn as he does some last minute packing. Zayn smiles to himself before he turns around and rolls his eyes fondly at the fidgeting boy standing awkwardly at the end of his bed.

It almost breaks Zayn's heart to see Liam being awkward around him. But he can't be in the same town at Liam anymore. It sounds harsh,  and it hurts to even think it, but almost since the day that he has discovered that he likes boys, he has been head over heels in love with his best friend.

And no matter how many times that Zayn has reminded Liam that he's available to men, no matter how many years he has hoped that maybe Liam might see him differently, Liam has remained his very best, but very platonic friend. Zayn needs to get over him. And he can't do it with Liam literally living next door. He can't lose his love and his best friend. So he's leaving, going away to school.

It's actually a perfect cover. This school is something he's dreamed of since he was a kid. It literally never occurred to him that he would ever be able to get in. Imagine his surprise when he opens a letter one day offering him a full scholarship. He knew he had problems when the first thought was if Liam would move across the Atlantic for him. And his heart broke for the millionth time when he remembered that he didn't actually have the right to expect Liam to follow him anywhere.  

“It won't be that weird Li. The other lads are still around. You'll hardly notice me gone.” Liam frowns deep at this. “They aren't you. We are a team. It's not going to be the same.” 

Zayn moves towards Liam, and claps him on the shoulder. “I know that.  But I'll be home for Christmas alright? The time will fly by.  And remember what we said? Letters. Just like the olden days.  And email. Love letters.” He tacks on, making sure to add an exaggerated wink. Liam rolls his eyes this time.  

“What if you find a handsome American boy,  and forget all about me?” Liam pouts. Zayn thinks he's going for a teasing pout, but Zayn knows there's a real pout under it.

“I could never. Me and you. Always. It's just a few months.” This time Zayn grasps Liam on the back of the neck, and brings their foreheads together. They stay like that for a few moments too long before Zayn breaks the contact. “Now let's go meet the rest of the lads.  Get proper twisted before I go to a place where it's illegal for me to drink.

  
As he sits on the plane the next day, hungover, and not well rested, he thinks that he didn't have enough time to say goodbye to Liam. But at the same time,  he knows that there would never be enough time. His family brought him to the airport. They have a right to a proper goodbye. They all hugged him and shed their tears. His sisters especially, but all he could think was that he wishes it was Liam holding him at the security gate. Instead all he got was a fist bump,  and a quick hug from an equally hungover Liam before he drug himself home in the early morning. 

He tries to make himself comfortable. Maybe try to get a little sleep. But he can't turn his brain off at all. He is excited as well. It's such an opportunity for him to be going to this prestigious school. Zayn can't imagine wanting to miss a moment. So he digs into his carry on bag for the the paper and pencils he had packed. But he finds something else. It's a plain white envelope with his name scrawled across the front of it.  Zayn recognises Liam’s handwriting immediately.  He wastes no time opening it.

 

_ Zayn, _

_I put this where I know you would look first. Did you even make it onto the plane? Anyway. I don't know about this letter writing business, but I have a million thoughts a day that I want to tell you, and if I can't tell you in person, I'm going to have to write them down. You haven't even left yet when I write this, but I somehow miss you already.  I guess that just means I know things will be different. But that's OK I guess. Don't forget to write me back. Or email if you like. I'll start checking it if you say you'll send me things._

_You're friend, Liam_

 

Zayn reads the words again and again,cherishing the thoughts that had come from Liam, and the writing itself. It's so much his friend on one page. He's almost tempted to try to catch his scent off the paper, but he couldn't bear the thought of someone seeing that.

He decides instead to trade his drawing pencil for a biro.

 

_ Liam,  _

_I made it onto the plane before I found your letter. You know me all too well. I doubt you have a million thoughts a day to tell me. That means that you would think of me a million times a day, and that's just crazy. Don't forget about your other friends. They are all there too. I will send you all kinds of emails. And letters too. Don't forget pictures. And have all kinds of fun without me. I'm going to try to get some sleep now. And email when I get off the plane, although there's not much point in telling you this as the email will get to you before the letter._

_You're friend, Zayn_

_P.s don't stop writing. It's nice seeing your handwriting._

  
  


Zayn settles as well as he can in  the first few weeks. He knows absolutely no one, and for someone like Zayn, it's hard to make new friends. He's too quiet, and it puts people off a lot of the time. But he tries to smile whenever someone looks his way, and has even managed to have a few conversations with people in his class.

The classes are brilliant.  Everything he had hoped for, and more. He's learning so much, but with just the right amount of encouragement from his professors. That doesn't mean he doesn't think of home a lot. And by home, he means Liam. He'll never admit to a soul that he has Liam’s picture beside his bed. And on his phone lock screen. He wishes that he could talk to him, or text in the way that they took for granted a few short months ago.  But money is tight, and long distant is expensive. He actually runs into his room the first time he gets a written letter in the mail.

 

_ Zayn,  _

_Louis is throwing a Halloween party next month. He said that we have to dress up or we aren't allowed in. Of course him and Harry have coordinated outfits already.  I never know what to do with these things.  You should email me suggestions. I wish you were going to be there. It was the first thing I thought when I heard about it. Weird right? Harry told me to try to bring a date, but I'm really not in the mood to find someone. Maybe I'll just go alone._

_So please tell me all about New York. Is it as posh as London? Is it all hype?  I want every detail.  And how are classes? Do you love it? Are they being nice to you? Remember that you tend to give off a bit of a mysterious vibe. Don't let that stop you. You need to make some friends over there. I can't have you spending months alone._

_Anyway, email me, write me. Just let me know how you are. I'll see you in three more months._

_Liam x_

  
  


_ Liam, _

_The Halloween party will be great. I sent you a link to some awesome superhero costumes that are a pretty good price, and you'll love. You should definitely find a date. You hate going to things alone. Get Niall to set you up._

_I've met a few people. None best friend material for sure. Classes are sick. I sent you a pdf with some new work I'm doing.  I think you and all of the lads are in a few of my drawings. Show them if you like. I'm not alone. There are people everywhere here. Definitely as posh as London. Only newer._

_Please stop worrying about me Li. I'm OK here. I'll see you so soon you'll hardly miss me._

_Zayn x_

  
  


_ Zayn,  _

_I'm not taking a date. I just...can't.  I know that sounds weird, but it doesn't feel right,  and I really don't know why. I can't stop worrying about you Z. You're important to me. Really a lot._

_I chose the batman costume. Thank for helping me. Not sure what I would do without you. I don't want to ever find out._

_Listen, I'm sending you a letter. There's just some stuff that I had to write down on paper, you know? Anyway, write me back. Anything and everything you can._

_Liam_

_P.s the drawings were awesome. Keep them coming. I printed them out and framed one. Mom is helping me make a scrapbook._

  
  


Zayn closes the latest email with an ache in his chest. He thought this would be easier. He thought that his greatest challenge would be dealing with his own hurt, and pain. But Liam is actually suffering as well, and he has no idea what to do about that. He doesn't write back. He has no idea how he could without telling Liam how much he loves him. And that's just not something Liam needs right now. 

 

The letter comes in the mail a few days later.

 

_ Zayn, _

_Hi, you've been gone for twenty one days today. Three whole weeks. We’ve probably sent loads of emails since I’ve written this, or will have written.  Look at me using my education. Haha. Anyway, I miss you.  I probably tell you all the time in the emails too.  I can’t imagine not. Anyway, this seems silly, but I can’t seem to come out of this...sadness that you are gone.  I still go to school every day, I go to work.  I see the lads.  I just can’t seem to make it go away.  I feel like shit for even saying this to you, but you are the person I talk to when I am sad.  The boys are actually worried about me.  Mum is too, although she doesn’t say.  She just keeps giving me this sad smile whenever I say your name.  Which seems to be all the time.  I think I talk about you more because I can’t talk to you._

_I’m sorry for dropping this on you, because it’s not your fault.  I am so happy that you are living your dream Zayn, so very happy. I just don’t know what to do.  This isn’t normal, and I don’t know how to fix me.  I almost feel… never mind.  It doesn’t matter.  Just know that I am counting down the days.  I love you Zayn, I know that you know, but please don’t forget.  I just wish that I didn’t have to….I wish sometimes I had been able to come with you.  Please don’t hate me for raining on your parade._

_OK, that’s it for me pitying myself. I promise.  Be great, love you lots._

 

_ Yours, Liam xx _

 

_ Liam,  _

_It’s OK love.  You’re alright.  I don’t want you to be sad.  We’ve been friends for ages, best friends, a team.  It’s normal to feel a little weird without one another.  I miss you so much it hurts sometimes.  But I know that you are happy where you are, and I need to be here in order to do what is important to me._

_You will get used to it, we will both get used to it.  Keep talking to me.  I’m always on the other side of your computer, or a piece of paper._

_Zayn x_

_   
_ He sends this one with more art.  This time some landscapes, and contemporary graffiti art that he is learning.  Zayn isn’t going to lie.  He’s confused by Liam’s latest letter.  He knows that they are close.  Really close. Liam was lacking friends in primary school, and Zayn was the only person who he would really talk to.  They formed this bond that they really didn’t have to question.  They were never forced to separate.  They went to the same schools for all of their childhood, barely even being separated by home room teachers.  They got part time jobs together, their parents are best friends.  They have the same friends.  

They didn’t even have love separate them.  Zayn came out early in his teen years, to a supportive family, but he was a rare case in their little home town, and Liam just didn’t seem interested in dating, or romance.  Even when puberty hit him like a truck, and he grew a foot, and had more muscles than he needed.  

But Liam has never said things like this to Zayn.  And he would know, because since he was thirteen years old Zayn has been head over heals in love with Liam, and Liam has never once seemed to notice, or care.  It was a relief when Liam didn’t care that he was gay, and not just in the way that people say that they don’t care, but then make inappropriate comments that usually end in “I’m not gay though.” Liam truly never cared.  He didn’t flinch when Zayn touched him, he didn’t second guess when Zayn told him that he loves him.  He always smiled and replied with “I love you too.”

But this is different.  And if things were different, it would be everything that Zayn had hoped for, but nothing has changed except him being gone, and Liam missing his best friend.  He needs to stop his own head from making things up that aren’t there.  Maybe it’s the loneliness.  He’s missing his best friend too.

  
  
  


_ Zayn,  _

_ Thank you for the letter.  I’m glad that you don’t think that I’m some loser weirdo. The Halloween party was wild.  Harry took some awesome pictures.  I attached some.  I’ll let you look to see what Louis did.  It was perfect!  _

_Anyway, Niall introduced me to this girl.  She was nice.  He kept pressuring me to ask her out.  Finally I said ok, because you know how Niall is.  He went right up to her as soon as I said that and drug her over to me!  I had to ask then didn’t I?  Ugh, I don’t know.  I have a date I guess.  I mean, she seems nice. We are going to see a movie.  It’s that Vin Diesel one. I wish we were seeing it together. Make sure you watch it too, and we can compare notes. I miss you._

_Liam xxx_

  
  


Zayn wants to scream, and throw his computer, and cry, and laugh all at the same time.  Fucking Liam Payne. Fuck Liam Payne.  Why is he doing this? Zayn can’t even be sure if Liam knows what he’s doing. Actually he’s quite sure that he doesn’t because he has no idea that the things he’s saying would hurt Zayn.  He left England to escape this pain, and the pain followed him right straight into his own room.  It’s not fair, and he needs to stop it. He  waits for a few days before he writes the email to Liam.  It kills him to lie, and he doesn’t know if it’s going to do him any good at all, but he can’t think of anything else to do. 

  
  


_ Liam,  _

_ Hey love.  I hate to tell you this, but we are going on a sort of field trip as they call it.  I am going out of town for a week or so.  I’m not going to be able to write.  Miss you lots.   _

_Xo Zayn_

  
  


That will buy him some time at least.  He logs out of his email, and doesn’t look at it for the rest of the week.

  
  
  
  


Finally on a Sunday night after at least one unopened written letter come in the mail, Zayn sits down at his computer again, and logs into his email. He cringes at the sheer number of unopened mail he is seeing.  Almost all of it is from Liam.  He scans down, worried about the increase in the number of letters that Liam has seemed to send every day.  Today was a total of six. 

He can’t say that the week had been an easy one.  The combination of missing his friend, and feeling guilt over lying to him, and avoiding him has weighed on him since the moment he did it, and is weighing on him now.  He scans the list, wondering if he should even read them all when he spots a letter from Harry instead.  With a combination of relief, and even more guilt, he clicks on it instead.  It was from the day before, and doesn’t seem to have a lot of content considering it’s the first time Harry has tried to contact him in a month.

_ Z,  _

_Hi,_

_I hope you're good. Sorry I haven't written sooner. Life and everything. You know._

_Anyway, I know you're busy, and Liam says that you're away right now. But I don't really know what to do.  It's Liam. He's in a bad way. I'm not sure what to do with him. He says that everything is fine, but I don't know Z. It's just been getting worse and worse. We've been trying to cheer him up, take him out,  even try to do new things, but it's not working._

_I know you are all the way there, I was just hoping that maybe you would be able to do something. Tell me what to do? Maybe tell me what's wrong? I know that's not fair to Li, but I hate seeing him like this._

_I don't want to tell on him, but I walked into his room last night. He wouldn't admit it, but he was crying. His eyes were all red. I tried to talk to him, but he wouldn't talk. Just ignored me._

_Anyway, maybe if you could talk to him it would make it better? Let me know how you're doing._

_H_

  
  


Zayn groans out loud. This is not how he thought things were going to turn out. Liam was not supposed to act like this. He takes a deep breath and slowly starts making his way through the emails. They range from sad to angry to desperate back to sad. Zayn is mostly confused. Why was Liam acting like this? Why was he even feeling like this? The confusion is mostly mixed with worry until he comes to the last one.

  
  


_ Zayn,  _

_Do you know what?  Fuck you. What is the point if even having a best friend if he is just going to fuck off and leave their friends alone._

_Who do you think you are? Are you having fun over there? Being busy, making friends, leaving me here alone, and not even able to hear from you? Talk to you? Hug you?_

_Well I hope you're happy, because that would make one of us._

__   
  


Zayn sees red. He can't believe that these words are coming from Liam. The boy who he's known, and loved for years and years. Liam, who's never said a negative word to anyone in his life to Zayn's knowledge. And he thinks it's ok to say these things to Zayn, just because he left? Because he is doing what he loves? Because he's trying to do what's best for both of them? He's done. He's had enough.  

He stands up, and walks towards his neglected phone. He doesn't use it unless he has to because most of the people he knows are very long distance, but he needs to say what he has to say, and he needs to make sure that Liam understands.

The phone rings twice before there's a voice at the other end. 

“Karen, hello.” Zayn greets her with a softer voice than he was planning to use on Liam.

“Zayn?  Is that you darling? It's so nice to hear your voice!” Zayn can tell just by the lilt in her voice that she's close to tears. It's just her thing. She cries. Zayn is more than used to it by now. But at the moment he kind of feels like joining her. “How are you doing? How's New York?”

“It's fine Karen.  Um, I don't have much time to talk. Is Liam around?”

“Yes, yes of course. I'll get him.”

Zayn takes a deep breath and waits for Liam’s voice to come on the other end. It suddenly hits him how long it's been since he's heard Liam talk to him. He almost considers dropping the whole thing to hear a sweet word from the buy he loves. But he can't.  He can't let this go on any longer. It's not healthy for both of them. Not to mention that he's still incredibly angry and incredibly hurt.

“Zayn? Omg Zayn! I'm so happy you called Omg.”

“Nope, you aren't doing this Liam.” Zayn holds firm. “How dare you.”

“Wha-” Liam begins,  but Zayn cuts him off.

“No, listen to me. I've been trying. You know? I've been trying to keep things ok. I did this for us.”

“Zayn, I have no idea what you are talking about.” Liam almost sounds like he wants to laugh. Like it's a big joke. But no one's laughing.

“Us! Me and you! I love you Liam.” He almost shouts.

“I love you too.” Liam immediately replies, and it's so soft, so tender that it makes Zayn's heart clench with want.

“No, I love you. I. Love. You. I'm in love with you,  and I've been in love with you for as long as I've known what love is. I did this for us. Do you think I wanted to leave you? I never want to leave you Li. But I love you so much. And I know that I couldn't do it anymore. Seeing you find someone,  seeing you fall in love. I couldn't do that as your best friend with how I feel.  And I didn't want to lose you as a best friend. So I came here. I came to follow my dream. And I came here to fall out of love with you.” He takes a deep, and staggering breath. There is mostly silence on the other end of the line save breathing mixed with a few suspicious sniffles.  

“But you aren't helping Liam. You keep sending these letters,  and emails. You keep telling me all the things that I'd always dreamed of hearing you say. But they are not because you love me back. It's because you lost your buddy. And Jesus Liam,that's not fucking fair. You have no idea how much your last email felt. I came here to be able to keep you Li, and I lost you anyway. I know you're hurting, but so am I.” He runs out of things to say. His chest hurt from unshed tears. The silence on the other line is deafening. Finally Liam takes a breath.

“I don't know what to say.” And then silence again. Zayn didn't think that his heart could break anymore. But that one simple sentence shatters it into a million pieces.

“I'm not surprised. Goodbye Li. Be happy. And I love you.”

He hangs up without waiting  for a response.  He couldn't bear it.

 

He wishes that he could say things got easier after their conversation.  Liam didn't try to call him back, or email. In the following few weeks he had received several letters that he didn't bother to open. He knew they were from the week that they hadn't spoken, and before. He knows that there isn't anything new, or special in them. 

He focuses on school. Even makes a few friends. He's doing exactly what he intended to do when he came over back in September. Except it's not working. He doesn't look at other boys with interest because he's still hopelessly gone for Liam Payne.  He doesn't think about him a little less each day, and he most certainly doesn't start thinking about him more as a friend.

Zayn doesn't even know if he could call him a friend anymore. The letters eventually stopped. Even though he hadn't read them,  Zayn almost wishes that they would still come. Just so that Zayn would know that at least Liam was thinking about him. But it's just silence. Well mostly. He has received a few awkward emails from his other close friends. He couldn't be bothered to give more than a few words of response. He thinks they understand.

It's a cold, windy day in New York City. It had just snowed the day before, and the city is already gearing up for Christmas. It gives him a warm feeling inside after the loneliness of spending a holiday alone while his classmates went to their families for Thanksgiving.  He was offered a meal by more than one friend, but declined. It just wasn't something that he felt like he needed to intrude on.

After a long, but satisfying day of classes Zayn lets himself into his tiny room. He kicks off his shoes, and begins to unravel the large scarf that Harry had given to him fir5 Christmas the previous year before he notices the figure sitting on his bed. He leaps backwards, and his heart jumps into his chest before he gets a good look at the figure. It calms his fear, but not his nerves.

“Liam. What the almighty fuck are you doing here?” Liam stands, and rubs his hands on his thighs. He doesn't make any more to get closer though.

“I needed to see you. I'm so sorry Zayn. The last time we talked… it just killed me to hear you so upset. I couldn't write anymore letters. I needed to say it in person. Please know that I never meant to do or say anything to hurt you. Hurting you is the last thing I wanted to do.” He has started wringing his hands, and pacing from one foot to the other. It's a classic Liam move. He does it when he's uncomfortable. Zayn doesn't like at all that he is the cause of it.

“Liam, please don't tell me that you came all the way to the U.S to apologise because you hurt my feelings. Because I don't need your pity. I don't want your apology.  And if you think I'm upset because you said some rude words to me, then you don't quite get it.” He wants to add that he doesn't have the energy to explain it to him, but he thinks the tone of his voice speaks volumes to his weariness. Liam merely shakes his head,  and takes a step towards Zayn.

“No Z. Don't you get it? I love you. I. Love. You. I'm I  love with you, and probably have been for as long as I've known what love is. The only thing I'm truly sorry for is that I didn't realise for so long.” He smiles at Zayn, although all Zayn can do is look as confused as he is. “I want to be with you Zayn.”

Zayn takes a deep breath before he speaks. He also makes no move to get closer to Liam. He's afraid that it will weaken his resolve. “Don't do this.” Now it's Liam’s turn to be confused. “Don't do this because you're scared of losing me. I won't stop being your friend. But I couldn't stand seeing you try to be something are not just because you are scared.” He involuntarily wraps his arms around his stomach, trying to shield himself, or trying to hold himself together, he doesn't know. Finally Liam does reach out.  He touches Zayn's face,  traces his eyebrow with his thumb,  and runs a hand delicately down the side of his face.  The touch is so familiar, yet so incredibly new. Zayn has to work hard to not lean into it.

“I am scared.” Liam says softly, fondly. “But I won't be scared anymore if you let me kiss you.” He says it with such want, such confidence.  As though kissing Zayn is the answer to every problem that he has ever had.  

Zayn can't answer, but he can't stop himself from getting closer. Liam must take that as a yes, because he moves their lips closer together. Zayn can feel Liam’s breath on his mouth, and he stares into Liam’s eyes. All he finds is love. The same love that Liam has always given him. And something else too. A hunger, and it's directed at Zayn.  He can't take it anymore,  and closes the distance himself.

He wishes that he could say that he had more sexy thoughts when their lips met, and of course those thoughts were there, but if he had to answer honestly all he had on his mind was love. He loved this man in front of him, in his arms. He never ever wanted to let go. The kiss is tender, and sweet. Everything Zayn could ask for in a first kiss. Liam explored with his lips, and his hands, running his fingers up Zayn's still jacketed back, and finding the nape of his neck where his hand fits perfectly. Zayn places his hands on Liam’s larger chest, as though he's holding onto the only grounded thing in the center of a hurricane.  

When they finally part, it's reluctant, and they are both beaming. Liam actually giggles. “That was the best, and weirdest thing I have ever done.”

“Oi!” Zayn replies, mock offended.

“You know what I mean Z. I've known you since we were five.” Liam looks embarrassed,  but Zayn brings their foreheads together like they always did as kids.  Liam smiles at the old ritual, and brings his hand to the back of Zayn's neck again.

“Yeah, I know what you mean.”

 

 

Liam

  
  


The phone goes silent, and Liam stands frozen in place.  His mother is looking at him with those worried eyes again,  and he just can't see that, it's too much. So he runs to his room, and closes the door. He is too wound up to lay down, so he perches on the edge of the bed with his head in his hands. 

Zayn loves him. As in  _ loves _ him, for years. And Liam never….knew? How is that even possible? He starts going over memories of them from the last decade and more.  Playing together as young boys, then older when it was not called playing anymore,  but still felt a lot like it. He remembers Zayn coming out to him. And he was so young, and Liam couldn't help but wonder how he could be sure. But Zayn said that when you know, you know. And he seemed so happy to tell someone. He remembers wishing that he knew. But he had never had Zayn's confidence. He remembers dating, and Zayn being so supportive of him. Never a negative word, and always a comfort when it didn't work out. He remembers asking Zayn time and time again why he didn't date.  He always got a smile and a shrug. Always quick to point out his lack of options. Was that a lie? He can't wrap his head around it.  

There's a soft knock at the door. He looks up to see Harry and Louis staring at him. More sad eyes, more sympathy. They come in together. Harry takes the desk chair and pulls it up to be face to face with him. Louis curls around his side on the bed.

"Your mom called us.” Harry says. “Told us that Zayn called?” Liam nods, but looks at his hands instead of his friends.

“Didn't go so well?” Louis asks, although his tone is all sympathy. He shakes his head, again not speaking. “Do you want to talk about it?” He continues cautiously.

Liam takes a shaky breath. “He was upset. I, um, I sent him a few emails that made him upset.” Liam starts even though that is only half the problem. Harry nods.

“Is that the only thing that's wrong?” Liam knows that Harry knows that it isn't. He can tell by the tone of his voice. He can't believe he's saying these words out loud, but he has to talk to someone.

“He told me that one of the reasons that he left here was because he...oh God...he is in love with me?” He looks at Harry, but instead of being shocked, he just nods. “And that I was making it hard for him to fall out of love with me because I'm upset about losing a friend.” His voice squeaks at the end. The idea of Zayn being just a friend is absurd. “I didn't know. And I don't know what to do. He told me that he lost me anyway. He said goodbye!” Liam can feel himself getting hysterical. Louis wraps his arms around him and hushes him like you would a small child. “I don't know what to do.”

“Well, how do you feel about Zayn loving you?” Louis asks, and it's not the question he expected. But the answer is obvious.

“I don't care. I love him.” Harry looks at him concerned.

“But if he's in love with you, and you aren't in love with him. How do you think that makes him feel?”

Liam’s heart clenches at the thought of hurting Zayn. He doesn't want to lose Zayn's love. He doesn't want Zayn to stop feeling love for him.

Harry interrupts his thoughts.  “You have to love him enough to let him go Liam, or love him enough to keep him.” Liam can tell that he says it with reluctance. But it takes a few moments to click into his brain.

“But, I'm not gay.” He looks at Louis, who rolls his eyes.

“You don't have to be gay to love someone of the same sex or gender Liam.”

“But that's not the point here.” Harry shoots daggers at Louis. “ _ You _ have to decide.”

“Let's try it this way.” Louis interjects, getting him another dirty look. “Let's say Zayn finds someone in New York. Let's say that he brings him home for Christmas.  Let's say they sleep I'm the same bed. Maybe comes to my New Years party. Kisses at midnight in front of all of our friends. Let's say Zayn tells this new guy that he loves him. And doesn't tell you because you are “just friends”.  How would you feel about that?”

Liam’s head spins. He has thought about it before. Feared it. He can admit only to himself that he's feared it since Zayn has announced he was leaving, and was probably the source for most of the hurtful things that Liam has said to Zayn over the last week. He thought for sure that Zayn was giving him the brush off for a fling, a new romance.

“Ok,” Louis continues, knowing that he has Liam’s attention. “Now imagine that was you.” He thinks back again. Home for Christmas,  sharing a bed,sharing I love yous.

“We've already done all of that. Except the kiss part.”

Harry smiles “Have you ever thought about kissing Zayn?” Liam’s fingers involuntarily go to his lips. He has. He will admit. He's had dreams about them sharing lazy kisses under the stars. He's kissed girls wondering if it would be different to kiss boys. He thought everyone did. But by the looks of both Harry and Louis’ face. He was wrong.

“How long did you two know that I was in love with Zayn?” Liam asks accusingly. Louis chuckles beside him.

“For about as long as we've known that Zayn was in love with you. He thinks he's kept this big secret too. You two aren't subtle at all.”

“But I'm not gay.” Liam repeats. As though that was going to make a difference.

“And I said before. You don't have to be gay to love Zayn. You just have to know that you love him. Everything about him.” Louis flicks his eyes towards Harry who smiles wider. Liam starts to think that he's missing some other things too.

“We are here you know.” Harry says. “If you need us. If you have any questions. Whether it's matters of the heart, or of the body.” Liam can feel himself flush a deep scarlet. “Do you want to talk?”

“Um, I think I need to talk to my mom.” They both nod in understanding and stand together to walk out of the room. “Wait a minute.” Liam stops them. They turn together. “Are you two….?” They both shrug in unison.

“Love is love.” Harry says, and gives Louis’ hand a subtle brush before walking out the door.

He sits his parents down later that day when his dad gets home. They both look at him like they are in on a secret. They both tell him that they love him and support him.

“So you knew as well?” Liam accuses.

“Of course dear. We know what love looks like.”

“And you are ok with it?”

“We will worry about you. It's not going to be easy, but yes. We love you, and we love Zayn, and we couldn't imagine a better partner for you.”  His mother starts to tear up.

“Well I'm glad you're taking it all in stride.” Liam partly jokes although he's still reeling from all of these new discoveries.

“We've had more time to come to terms dear. Like five years.” His father says with a chuckle. “And we have been talking over the last few weeks. And we'd like to give you your Christmas gift early.” Liam looks up in  confusion as his father pushes an envelope across the table. He opens it silently. It's a round trip ticket to New York. For a week. And hotel reservations. He looks up confused. 

“You need to do this. We called Trish, she told us Zayn's flight home for Christmas. We got you on the same one.  You can have the week to be together, and we will see you for Christmas.” They both look so proud that he feels guilty for breaking down in tears. But he can't help it. 

“I'm scared.” Is all he's able to get out. They both come around the table to give him a big hug. His father rubs his head

“It's ok to be scared. But it's Zayn right? You need to fix it one way or another because we can't stand to see you like this. Just talk to him ok?” He nods reluctantly.

“Thank you.”

 

It's a few weeks before he leaves for New York. It gives him a lot of time to think.  Which is both a blessing and a curse.

He has many more talks with Harry and Louis. Even a few with Niall. He reads a lot, trying to figure out what he is, who he is. By the time he's done that he decides that he doesn't care because it won't matter if Zayn accepts him.

And he's written countless letters. All to Zayn, never one he sends. He can't bear to part with them. They are his whole heart.  And if this doesn't work out,  he worries that they are all he will have left of his new found love.

He tucks them away in his suitcase the day he leaves. He couldn't be more anxious. Or more excited. His life is about to change forever, no matter what happens. And at the moment, he just wants to get on with it. He tries to not think about how long he will have to wait.

He finally finds the College. He knows where he's going by Zayn's descriptions and a small map he's procured. He also is lucky enough to know how Zayn gets into his room when he forgets his key. Zayn had described it to him one day because he mentioned in passing in an email that he forgot his key,  and Liam was so anxious about the thought of Zayn stranded in the cold that Zayn wrote a detailed description of his back up method. He sits gingerly on the tidy bed, and waits for the key to turn.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to my lovely beta, and one of my best friends again. You're perfect xo.


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